How to: Weekly Relationship Check-In
Love is a verb.
John Gottman, psychologist and relationship expert, says “The more you know about each other, the more you can make your relationship work.” This is what the weekly relationship check-in is all about. Whether you are in a long-term committed relationship or you’ve just entered into relationship this weekly habit can promote effective communication, increase intimacy and prevent conflicts. John Gottman refers to this meeting as a “State of the Union Meeting”. I’ve also heard it referred to as a marriage meeting, or simply a relationship check-in. Feel free to call it whatever works for your relationship!
To begin your relationship check-in, find a time of the week that works best for both of you. Scheduling in this meeting can ensure it is a part of your relationship that is prioritized. Come together in an environment that is neutral and free of distraction (do the best you can). Begin your conversation with the intention that you will both remain open and attuned to each other. Remember to take turns being the speaker or listener, ask questions when needed, and lead with compassion.
The relationship check-in is made up of four questions:
What is something you appreciated about your partner over the past week?
Begin your conversation by sharing one thing that you appreciate about your partner. This could be anything from taking care of a household task, running an errand, or providing support in a much needed way. In this step make sure to identify the trait that you appreciated about your partner. For example, you may say “I really appreciate that you stepped in when you noticed I was frustrated with the kids. I appreciate you being a supportive partner.”
What is something we have done well as a couple over the past week?
Next, take some time to identify ways that you worked well together. Maybe you communicated and delegated tasks in an effective way, or you practiced being calm during conflict together. This could sound like, “I’m happy that we remembered to stay calm when we were in that conflict earlier this week.” Notice what your strengths as a couple are.
Were there any regrettable incidents, complaints, or concerns from the past week?
This is the time to talk about any incidents that occurred throughout the week that you were not happy with. Remember, this is a time to focus on productive communication. If emotions are heightening and it does not seem that you can productively communicate it may be best to table the conversation for a time when you are able to remain calm, or make note of it and bring it up in your next therapy session. Remember to use “I” statements to effectively communicate your concerns and needs. This may sound like, “I felt frustrated and disappointed when I noticed you had not taken out the trash after you promised to do it yesterday. I need to know I can trust what you say.” It can be helpful to state your concern and then provide a possible solution to discuss. This may sound like, “Next time, I would really appreciate it if you followed through on your words, or let me know if something came up that stopped you from being able to take out the trash in the timeline that you set.” This part of the conversation is very collaborative. Remember to listen to your partner and try your best to understand them. There are no winners and losers in relationships; If one of you loses, both of you lose.
What is something I can do to make you feel more loved or appreciated by me?
Lastly, discuss ways that you can help each other feel more loved and appreciated over the next week. This can sound like, “I would feel loved and appreciated if you planned a date night for us next week.” or “I feel loved when you make my coffee in the morning. Could you do that a couple times next week?” Our partners are not mind-readers, so sometimes they are not sure what to do to make us feel loved. It is okay to ask for what we want and need.
Optional Additions
As you are already setting aside time to focus on your relationship it may be helpful to add in a couple more questions or topics. The following are options you may find helpful to discuss during this time.
Upcoming events or stressors. You may take some time to review the next weeks events and talk about how you can support each other throughout the week.
Finances. This may be a helpful time to check in on your budget or financial goals.
I hope you find this relationship check-in helpful for deepening your connection to one another and practicing effective and productive communication. This check-in, like your relationship, does not have to be perfect. There may be weeks when you have little to talk about and weeks when you have a lot to talk about. The effort we put into our relationships will have an impact on the quality of our relationships.